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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps