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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?