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I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..