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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session