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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.