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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.