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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.