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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi