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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.