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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.