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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!