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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
It’s a status….not your diary…
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"