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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.