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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Save water, shower together.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.