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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Just found out that Iām 53 Cheetos tall.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.