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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.