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I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!