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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be