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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.