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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.