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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.