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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.