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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
awesome collection!