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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
I look so young for my rage.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.