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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.