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OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Got tasered at speed dating again.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."