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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
:): The Bipolar smiley face
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.