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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.