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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.