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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.