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My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something