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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.