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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.