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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.