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"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.