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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…