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I just made you think of an elephant
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!