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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.