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My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".