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Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…