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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?