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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...