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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?