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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?