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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.