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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.