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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.