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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.