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People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”