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People will do odd things to get even.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me