Daily Silly Status

My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.

Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.

I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"

I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!

I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.

Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.

Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.

My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.

Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p

Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.

Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild

Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame

Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.