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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?