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More food should come with prizes inside it.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.