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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!