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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.