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One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."