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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"