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What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.