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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?