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This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.