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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.