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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?