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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.