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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.