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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.