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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
One trenta cheeseburger please.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.