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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
It’s a status….not your diary…
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.