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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?