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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow