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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached