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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.