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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!