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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.