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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
is battling with eyelids
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.