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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Iām not brave. Iām just past the age where running is an option.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.