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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
hilarious
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.